Whether you are entering the dating scene for the first time, just leaning in
after dodging one of lifes curveballs or if you are a regular player there are a
few guidelines to follow when choosing someone to bring home to Mom. There are
some obvious strikeouts - no job, no license, recreational line snorter, chronic
money pisser awayer, etc - but there are a few individuals that are just as
dangerous yet unexpectedly so; one such group is landscapers. Do not date them
... Let alone get sucked into love with one of them!
To preface this life lesson I must state that this wisdom applies more to
landscape company owners or those that aspire to graduate from lawn jockey to
chief cook and bottle washer then it does to a hand hired just to fill the
position of Strong back and Weak mind.
Your typical landscape company is a small business run by a hardworking
individual of measureable intelligence, that yet must fill many roles at once:
salesman, designer, installer, customer service, employee relations/babysitter,
administrator and head Peterrobber/Paulpayer. These traits, when combined into
one person, are a concoction of the deadliest sort when brought into contact
with women.
As a saleman they often must portray an image of solidarity, stability,
commitment and competence which they exude with a well-rehearsed aire of
confidence no matter the reality. This is highly necessary to sell an $8000
patio to someone they just met while the best can even charm the socks (and
sometimes pants) off of a lonely housewife and the money out her husbands
pockets with ease.
In the role of designer, our subject is often a man who is often deeply in touch
with his feminine side as it takes such a creative mind with uninhibited
artistic expression to invent, sketch and verbally paint a woman, her family and
entertained guests into his world of plants, mulch, flowers and flagstone with
enough conviction that she willingly swoons her money and reservations away.
And as a bonus, our subject sometimes doubles as landscape installer/builder
which provides ample opportunity for him to drip sweat down his tanned and
musclebound figure onto the boulders he is placing around the yard while she
voyeurs out the kitchen window, slowly stirring a fresh pitcher of lemonade.
Oddly enough, this dream of a man appears a few days later in khakis and a
pressed shirt to provide professional customer service, talk about her feelings
during the project, listen quietly as a genuine captive audience, gracefully
accept payment and wish an open-ended au revoir.
Due to the characteristics of typical landscape company employees, the owner is
also often an expert at dealing with conflict of an emotional and illogical
nature - skills that reinforce his ability to deal with most women and still get
what he wants through the judicious use of wit, manipulation and classic
misdirection.
As an administrator, he demonstrates the highly desirable characteristic of
assertiveness and leads with a firm yet fair hand all the while portraying pride
and polish as he rides about in in a sharply-lettered company truck. To make
work flow smoothly, he is also a master of cash-flows, and can make money appear
from thin air at the last minute when it is needed most, though outwardly,
financial stability is all that most people see. When inclement weather,
equipment breakdowns and absent employees challange the planning and organizing
skills of our man, he responds will unparallelled flexibility and
improvisational splendor to reign in even the most errant of days. But alas,
when a stuck dress zipper, a flat tire or roads clogged with traffic spoil
dinner plans reserved and dreamt about for a week in advance, he laughs at such
triffling impedances, lightly flexes his skills of adaptation to save the
night and is perceived as nothing short of gloriously spontaneous, carefree and
suggestively creative. I dare not mention how handling large powertools also
contributes to her sense of his overall bad-assery...
All in all, landscapers as a breed seem to be every woman's dream, possessing
all the characteristics that many contractors do not - plumbers and electricians
are not known for their creativity and artistic skill, roofers are a little too
rough around the edges, handymen lack ambition and proper physique, concrete
layers tend to get too dirty and stay that way, and painters tend to stay fully
clothed at all times. Yet when the curtain is pulled aside and truths are
revealed, these characteristics seldom work to a woman's benefit and she feels
fooled and let down. The salesman has simply said all the right things just to
seal whatever deal he had in mind, the designer can paint a picture of a
wonderful and prosperous life which he probably cannot ever build for her
and his musclebound body hides the rotater-cuffs worn out years ahead of
schedule and the work-induced, irreversable back injuries. The well-dressed
owner in uniform is exactly that - a uniform, which masks his abject lack of
fashion sense, and while he is a great negotiator and problem solver his
patience can just about fill a shot glass after 9AM. The sharply-lettered truck
gets driven around during the day for work, and at night, and on dates, to
church, and is better known as the family car after 4PM. Lastly, their skills
with money stem from practice... lots of practice, because they are usually
poor. Dirt poor. In their defense, the powertool handling skills are indeed real
and surely that must count for something.
In summary, women - guard yourself well and know that image is everything for
these people. Seek the truth and ask for references, look at their previous
"jobs" and be inquisitive and most of all - know who you're getting into the
flowerbed with.
after dodging one of lifes curveballs or if you are a regular player there are a
few guidelines to follow when choosing someone to bring home to Mom. There are
some obvious strikeouts - no job, no license, recreational line snorter, chronic
money pisser awayer, etc - but there are a few individuals that are just as
dangerous yet unexpectedly so; one such group is landscapers. Do not date them
... Let alone get sucked into love with one of them!
To preface this life lesson I must state that this wisdom applies more to
landscape company owners or those that aspire to graduate from lawn jockey to
chief cook and bottle washer then it does to a hand hired just to fill the
position of Strong back and Weak mind.
Your typical landscape company is a small business run by a hardworking
individual of measureable intelligence, that yet must fill many roles at once:
salesman, designer, installer, customer service, employee relations/babysitter,
administrator and head Peterrobber/Paulpayer. These traits, when combined into
one person, are a concoction of the deadliest sort when brought into contact
with women.
As a saleman they often must portray an image of solidarity, stability,
commitment and competence which they exude with a well-rehearsed aire of
confidence no matter the reality. This is highly necessary to sell an $8000
patio to someone they just met while the best can even charm the socks (and
sometimes pants) off of a lonely housewife and the money out her husbands
pockets with ease.
In the role of designer, our subject is often a man who is often deeply in touch
with his feminine side as it takes such a creative mind with uninhibited
artistic expression to invent, sketch and verbally paint a woman, her family and
entertained guests into his world of plants, mulch, flowers and flagstone with
enough conviction that she willingly swoons her money and reservations away.
And as a bonus, our subject sometimes doubles as landscape installer/builder
which provides ample opportunity for him to drip sweat down his tanned and
musclebound figure onto the boulders he is placing around the yard while she
voyeurs out the kitchen window, slowly stirring a fresh pitcher of lemonade.
Oddly enough, this dream of a man appears a few days later in khakis and a
pressed shirt to provide professional customer service, talk about her feelings
during the project, listen quietly as a genuine captive audience, gracefully
accept payment and wish an open-ended au revoir.
Due to the characteristics of typical landscape company employees, the owner is
also often an expert at dealing with conflict of an emotional and illogical
nature - skills that reinforce his ability to deal with most women and still get
what he wants through the judicious use of wit, manipulation and classic
misdirection.
As an administrator, he demonstrates the highly desirable characteristic of
assertiveness and leads with a firm yet fair hand all the while portraying pride
and polish as he rides about in in a sharply-lettered company truck. To make
work flow smoothly, he is also a master of cash-flows, and can make money appear
from thin air at the last minute when it is needed most, though outwardly,
financial stability is all that most people see. When inclement weather,
equipment breakdowns and absent employees challange the planning and organizing
skills of our man, he responds will unparallelled flexibility and
improvisational splendor to reign in even the most errant of days. But alas,
when a stuck dress zipper, a flat tire or roads clogged with traffic spoil
dinner plans reserved and dreamt about for a week in advance, he laughs at such
triffling impedances, lightly flexes his skills of adaptation to save the
night and is perceived as nothing short of gloriously spontaneous, carefree and
suggestively creative. I dare not mention how handling large powertools also
contributes to her sense of his overall bad-assery...
All in all, landscapers as a breed seem to be every woman's dream, possessing
all the characteristics that many contractors do not - plumbers and electricians
are not known for their creativity and artistic skill, roofers are a little too
rough around the edges, handymen lack ambition and proper physique, concrete
layers tend to get too dirty and stay that way, and painters tend to stay fully
clothed at all times. Yet when the curtain is pulled aside and truths are
revealed, these characteristics seldom work to a woman's benefit and she feels
fooled and let down. The salesman has simply said all the right things just to
seal whatever deal he had in mind, the designer can paint a picture of a
wonderful and prosperous life which he probably cannot ever build for her
and his musclebound body hides the rotater-cuffs worn out years ahead of
schedule and the work-induced, irreversable back injuries. The well-dressed
owner in uniform is exactly that - a uniform, which masks his abject lack of
fashion sense, and while he is a great negotiator and problem solver his
patience can just about fill a shot glass after 9AM. The sharply-lettered truck
gets driven around during the day for work, and at night, and on dates, to
church, and is better known as the family car after 4PM. Lastly, their skills
with money stem from practice... lots of practice, because they are usually
poor. Dirt poor. In their defense, the powertool handling skills are indeed real
and surely that must count for something.
In summary, women - guard yourself well and know that image is everything for
these people. Seek the truth and ask for references, look at their previous
"jobs" and be inquisitive and most of all - know who you're getting into the
flowerbed with.
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